jimmiepop's Journal, 04 Jul 21

Maintenance Day 15
Lift Day

Today's Waist = 34 1/4"; No Change
Target Waist = 32" - 34"
Target Scale = 195# +/- 5#

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Sun's out. House is at peace. Kids are in a good place, chasing them dreams and all that. Grounded, competent, earning. #2's banging Kanye on the piano. I'm in decent shape; best in a few years. Good base tan! Haven't heard a peep from the Ex in months. Undertaking some long deferred self care. All super positive.

Not feelin it a bit...

Kids are on the verge of being out of the house. Had a career/life heart to heart with #1 the other night. He's deadly competent and super smart, but says he has anxiety/fear issues (which I largely have ignored). I went to sleep. He bought a one way ticket to the coast for a terrific opportunity he's been putting off.

#2 is out in a couple days for a top summer program and soon after will be out of the house for school.

That leaves me alone with the geriatric shit festival for which I neither have, nor want to have, patience.

Also, Cousin G, who I love dearly and who has a great relationship with the boys, is going in for surgery this week. He's survived more than most - heart attacks, pancreatic cancer, etc. - but he thinks he's going to die this time.

Took the boys to see him last week. House is a hoarder shit show. Just like pop before we cleaned him out. Mail piled so high you can't see the dining room table, newspapers piled everywhere, sink full of dishes. He needs help. Obv. We thought we were going to lunch. He's curled up in a ball in the recliner. Fed him. Did dishes. Carted about 15 garbage bags to the dumpster. Barely made a dent.

Here's the thing. He's got family! As far as I can tell no one has been out there to see him for years. And no family is going to be there when he goes in for surgery. Unless I go. You know where you can find 'em right now? Front row of church. Fuck. Off.

And I've clearly alienated some family members. Both sides. Surprised to stumble across pics last week of a wedding we did not even know about. People whom it would never occur to me to not invite to anything. Even now. No beef here. Total shocker. Didn't tell the kids....

Same with a whole series of funerals/christenings with one faction on the other side. These are all people whose wedding I was in. And Pop is the eldest surviving on both sides and by these same people's own accounts "showed up for everything" and supported them their whole lives. Hard to imagine what I did that was so offensive, but apparently it's been done.

And one last thing. I still love the Minx. It's been almost 3 years. I've seen others. I have an open heart. Parting ways was and remains the right choice. It was all handled as graciously as these things can be. No regrets. No rewind.

But some experiences are so powerful that they leave you changed. She used to joke that I had ruined her for other men. Did my best. Two way street, that, though. Once you have had that Good Good Love, anything less just seems a shadow of the real thing.

Felt like a little bitch even contemplating putting this to words, until I saw Puffy go on about how Misa is his "heart" in the Mary J Blige documentary. That's been at least 25... The crazy success of My Life, and all the healing it spawned, for creators and fans alike, was built on unwrapping and unleashing all that pain; putting it all on blast...

Artist as patient... Art as therapy.. Producer as therapist.. These were the insights that inspired #1 to finally bounce. Go get em, kid.

Ima done now.

Let's go!

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“The Buddha famously said that life is suffering. I’m not a Buddhist, but I know what he meant and so do you. To exist in this world, we must contend with humiliation, broken dreams, sadness, and loss.”

– Goggins

90.4 kg Lost so far: 0.8 kg.    Still to go: 2.8 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.

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1724 kcal

Fat: 81.06g | Prot: 66.90g | Carbs: 110.48g.   Lunch: Anheuser-Busch Budweiser Beer, Phillips Crab Cake Minis, Mrs. T's Potato & Cheddar Pierogies, Sonic Tater Tots (Regular), Five Guys Cheeseburger. Snacks/Other: Parmesan Cheese (Grated). more...